The Bloggess vs. One-Eyed Steve (note: not a pirate)

For any not familiar, The Bloggess is the alter-ego blog of a woman who writes an advice column for the Houston Chronicle. Not quite sure how she keeps her day job since her blog is extremely profane and nearly every post could be the source material for some form of public outrage.

However, it can also be extremely hysterical, as with this recent post where she torments a direct marketer trying to get her to promote his skin lotion on her blog site.

(Note that the big "info-mercial" style marketing pitch that Pete made for the lotion was a demo that shows it protecting you from rock-dissolving acid.)

March 16, 2009 - Dear Jenny,

how are you? Have you had a chance to try Skin MD Natural lotion I sent you? What do you think?

Sincerely, Pete

March 16, 2009- Pete, the lotion was great. My skin is smooth and not greasy and I loved that there was SPF in it as well. Sadly, my lawn maintenance team obviously did not follow the directions well because two of them ended up getting rocks lodged in their faces in spite of the powerful rock-busting lotion abilities. One lost an eye and threatened to sue me for disability and I insisted that he just didn’t apply the lotion correctly.

Then I generously (his lawsuit says “forcibly”) rubbed the lotion in his eyes and he started screaming “IT BURNS! IT BURNS!” Which, in retrospect, makes sense because if the lotion is stronger than acid (and the acid is stronger than rocks) it’s probably stronger than eyeballs too. Either way, it did not go well and I’m being forced to sell The Lawn Rangers (that’s the name of my lawn team) in order to pay for legal bills and for a new glass eye for One-Eyed Steve. Also, I’m being sued for calling him “One-Eyed Steve”. Apparently you can’t give someone a kick-ass pirate name without being sued for making fun of a disability. AMERICA!

Also, before I gave One-Eyed Steve the glass eye I rubbed that lotion all over it to protect his eye socket from the sun and he started screaming again. It was actually pretty funny because I was all “Oh, wait. That’s totally not going to work” but it was too late because he was already putting it in when I said it and he started screaming and they took him to the hospital. I was all “Oh my God, I am an idiot” but if you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at, right?

~Jenny

PS. Seriously, your lotion is awesome and my hands are as smooth as an eyeball, which (take it from me) is pretty fucking smooth. Until you get lotion in it. Then all bets are off.

Naturally this sensibility extends to her commenters as well:

Comment of the day: How fascinating that you have to sell the Rough Riders because Pirate Steve or whatever his name is rubbed it in his eyes. They sent me their stupid lotion and I opened it just as my husband started to get a little lippy with me and you know how women can get when they’re nine months pregnant so I slathered him with that shit and poured acid on him and it didn’t work at all. The Skin MD people are not going to like my review.

And by “it didn’t work at all” I mean the lotion didn’t work at all. The acid totally worked. ~ pamela